Sacrifice

Philippians 3:13-14 - "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I was expectant at the start of 2019. This year was the year everything would come together. But now it's August, and I'm sitting at my desk musing over the graveyard that is my life.

​The thing is, I'm okay with it. To be honest, I've never felt more connected to my future. The transitions look a lot different from what I expected, but shattering my own expectations is also a part of the process.

For context, I've completely restructured my life to make space for my purpose. At some point I realized that the landscape of my existence needed an overhaul if I ever wanted to see the things I've dreamed about. Did I have ambitions? Sure. But I didn't understand the "why" behind my motivation for them, which led to me falling short at every turn. Even when the shifting began, some parts of my old self persisted. I still over-committed to an image instead of to myself. I still moved in circles for comfort instead of connection. Still thought too small regarding my future.

In spite of this, the shifting continued. And through it, a slow but sure transformation came to the forefront, reaching its climax during a spontaneous trip to Atlanta. While there, God spoke to every cell in my body about what lies ahead. It was unusual because our relationship has always been me seeing the next step, while He shielded me from the scope of the entire staircase. But now I see exactly how far up I'm meant to climb. I don't know what the top looks like, but I know the direction and the elevation. I also know what's required to reach the top. It's cool to think about in retrospect, but I was shook when it happened. I mean, I literally went from believing life was fine, to feeling twenty thousand leagues of pressure to make a change.

What's funny is, while this pressure hit, I also felt a certain level of idiotic because God also showed me the attempts He's made to reach me over the years. He sent people, He spoke in dreams, He released some pretty morbid visions. Even the things that were holding me to my old identity spoke pretty plainly like "... you know this ain't for you, right?" And yet, in my idiocy, I continued to live a few steps short of where and who I needed to be.

I cried a few times during that trip. I'm not even the type to cry like that, but I guess that changed too

On my way back, I was determined to shatter my life before I lost the drive to do it. Unfortunately, my girlfriend was the first person I saw when I landed in Jersey. Prior to leaving, everything with us was great. We did the Ikea dates, played Monopoly, and vibed out on some late night drives. I put her on to ramen, and she put me on to what healthy relationships looked like. But the ride from Newark International to my house was awkward. I wish I had more time to process, and I know I came off a certain type of way, but she wanted a recap and I wanted to be transparent. So we talked. And as the conversation progressed, it grew more and more one-sided. In the end, her feelings can be summarized by the words she spoke through quiet tears: "As your friend, I support you and wish you nothing but the best. And I'm happy for you. But as your girlfriend, I'm f****ng pissed."

To top it off, that was only the beginning. Over the course of a few weeks, I went on to have a series of conversations with family, colleagues, and old friends that have been around so long that I forgot exactly how we met. I know I missed a few, but I tried my best to establish that I'm not the same person from before, and that while it didn't mean my entire past was bad, I still needed to dedicate my entire self to what awaited me. The reactions were as diverse as the pool of bodies left in the wake of my decision. I received encouragement from some who understood shifting towards purpose. But I've also received a lot of criticism, concern, and confusion. A few people even asked if I was joining a cult which... wow. But once you extract yourself from the framework others view you through, that image shatters, resulting in a scramble for understanding.

I don't blame them, or anyone. The concept of purposeful destruction is one that doesn't vibe with today's world at all. I remember speaking with my Dad about my plans to have less than 50 contacts after changing my number. We ended up arguing for a literal hour because, in family friendly terms, he believes a move like that to be a sign of bad character. There were concerns expressed for my business connections, not to mention a cornucopia of hypothetical emergencies. But I've come to understand something - it doesn't matter how wide your social net is, if what you're after can't be caught with a net. And anyone who wants you to eat won't complain when you tell them your hunter's approach.

There's been other conflicts amidst the changes, but the shift has also led to a series of gains. I'm focused on my work, and my creativity is flowing with a new ferocity. I've started taking care of my body, with noticeable results. Me and my family are *good (*read this as getting better). Everything, from my wavering convictions to the disassociated perspectives, shed from me like snake skin, as a new self emerged. But sharp turns are jarring, and a lot of people and things I found value in - things that I gave my time, focus, and even my heart to - aren't here now that the car settled. My focus hasn't been able to distract me from this. Accompanying this new drive are feelings of pain and loneliness. Even the boredom hits different. Amidst these emotions is a desire for comfort & sympathy that I know might never come. I keep thinking about the people I've affected and how they view me now. Only difference now, is that they can't influence my direction. Long term me requires that dedication, both in purpose and character. And if I'm who I say I am, then the sacrifices were needed. I wish it could've happened smoother, but I have no regrets - only a future.

​I couldn't build on an old foundation, so the old me had to die. But through the sacrifice, I gained clarity. Life now has texture. And joy...

​I always thought that sacrifice was a sad experience, but that's only true when you're still connected to an old identity. We often hesitate to change because culture sees uprooting as escapism, a lack of solidity, betrayal... the list goes on. But some plants can't grow in pots. Who are you? What do you value? Where's your purpose? Why haven't you moved yet? Sacrifice is defined as "an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy (Google, 2019. I don't know how to cite things anymore, sue me.)" Point is, I've been upgraded. This is me, actualized. And while I navigate the weight of my decisions, I will enjoy the fullness of a life committed. Welcome to Life, 2.0.


2 Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!"​ ​